Found

“It’s okay to get lost every once in a while, sometimes getting lost is how we find ourselves.”

Understanding where you need to be in your life is never concrete. 

Anticipating love, expecting greatness and demanding success  can destroy you, when it isn't delivered.

I think it is important for people to understand that throughout this journey, my journey, there are times where I still do not understand.

Ever since I have started writing for the public, an insight into my life has always been available to anyone who chooses to enter it. 

So when i bared all, through my difficulties and darkness, people related. People loved that they weren't alone and that there was someone out there, that was having an even worse day than they were.

But my life took a turn for the better and from what I understand of it now, is people don't like better. 

No one likes reading about happiness or success. People don't want to hear of someone enjoying their lives more than they are. People want to feel, people want to read about emotions and read about things that finally make them feel.

I guess i failed to recognise the impact that my sadness had on those who were reading about my life. Through all the late nights and empty days, although I felt alone and wrote about my depression, people were listening.

People were there supporting me in their silence, but I failed to understand that little by little I was making a difference.

It's sad, how happiness makes people bitter and judgemental. Success makes people envious and love makes people distant.

All the integral things in our lives that we aim to achieve, actually bring the opposite of what we want. 

Why is it now that I am happy, or now that I am on a road where I am finally running, that people no longer want to be apart of my journey.

Is it because I achieved what I was aiming for? Is it because I sound just like everyone else

or is it because you know longer feel like you can relate to me?

I have been deliberating the effects of my blog for a while. Confused about what it is I

should write, what I should say to gain the respect of those who used to follow me. 

And although I want to relate to you again and write about sadness, lost love and bitter nights....I just can't.

There was a time in my life where I was lost. 

There is a time in everyones life where you become lost and it isn't necessarily a bad thing. 

To be lost, you lose who you are and we spend the rest of our lives in search of who we once were. 

I apologise for not writing about my darkness anymore, but I cannot apologise for finding myself again.

I cannot apologise for being happy and I cannot be sorry for finding what it was I had lost a long time ago. 

And even if I never write in sorrow, I promise you this.

That you too, will find your way again. 

It takes time and patience, empathy and strength.

But one day, you will realise that losing yourself was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to you, as it made you realise who you really were to begin with.

And if I can let you in on a little secret of mine?

You are never really lost, you are just waiting to be found.  

Atelophobia

I was told, from a young age that everyone has a primary fear. Whether we know what that fear is or we are still discovering it, everyone has one fear residing within them that controls our behaviour and depicts our actions.

This fear cannot be hidden or removed, it will live within us and eat on our emotions. Anything close to that fear will leave us feeling anxious, empty or that "not today" feeling. Our fears are all different, and they resonate with different emotions.
Our entire lives are defined by one exact moment or object and no matter what we do to try and avoid or change it, it will always be the same.

Our fears define us.
Our fears are what makes us who we are.




Atelophobia: the fear of never being good enough.

Lucky enough for me, mine has actually been given a definition, so I know I am not the only one out there that feels the same way. However, it's destructive.
Just as much as any fear, it plays on my emotions mentally and physically and whether I choose it or not, will always impact my societal behaviour and my relationships with other people.

I don't know where it resonates, and I don't know how to prevent the mass tide of emotions from hitting home. I don't have access to a cure and I don't know how to become of my fear once it has taken a hold of me.




I suffer, just like each and every one else.
Once the fear has been awakened, it stirs something up inside of me and little by little, it will eat away at all the 'good' in me.
It changes people. Fears make people adapt to control certain emotions and therefore, we are always on guard. We learn to prevent, reciprocate, absorb and control our feelings and reactions.

How we act and how we respond to how we feel towards certain feelings is monitored and censored and we refuse to let the monsters within us, become us.




We are so afraid of becoming our fear, that we alter who we are entirely, to house them.

My fear of never being good enough isn't a product of an experience and it doesn't mean that I am constantly feeling this way. I am usually unaware of my fear, but when the time arises and the moment presents itself, my fear will come around and remind me exactly what it is that keeps me up at night.

It's a guilt, a sadness, a deep hatred and regret for not being perfect. I fail to see that perfection in itself is imperfect and I am blind to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I can be accepted.

I wear my fear with everything I own.
I eat my fear with everything I order.
My fear is the concept of never fitting in, never being loved, never finding comfort and never quite succeeding in everything I put my heart and soul into.

Although people may encourage me, help me and try to position me to see that there is sun behind the clouds, I have learnt to embrace that without my fear: I wouldn't be me.

My fear has pushed me to believe in things that I have seen impossible, and although I may fail 80% of the time, the other 20% has made me keep going.




My failures and the idea of never quite making it in this world has made me strong.
The concept of never being good enough or never achieving perfection has made me vulnerable.
My vulnerability has made me humble and by being humble i have been able to meet and learn to be who I am today.

I wouldn't change my fear.
There are days where my pillows are stained and my stomach churns, but these are the days that make me realise that what I feel makes me human and that those moments of despair, mould and shape my character.

I thank my mother,
for showing me to embrace my difficulties and to rise above them.

To appreciate the good that is in the world and to love an nurture the people around me.
To realise that life could be worse and that during moments of pain and time of healing that my fear is a fear that can be shot down in the middle of the night and can be fought.

She reminded me that it's okay to feel pain and to show weakness.
She reminded me that although there are days where i feel like my fear will take control of me entirely, that she too, has her own fear.




That she has learnt to love and life around her fear and that she has overcome the repercussions of facing her fears her whole life.

She reminded me that I am not alone in the world full of millions and that there should never be a day that anyone ever does.
That although we like to be strong and pretend that what we feel in the bottom of our stomachs doesn't make us weak at the knees, that we are allowed to fall down.

For the dust on our chest can be wiped off, our hands can be brushed together and we can stand again... remember... fall down 7 stand up 8.

It has taken be sometime to pin-point what it is exactly makes me feel entirely at a loss for words. I could never quite explain what it was that terrified me in the middle of the night and I never knew if anyone would be able to understand.



But now that I have discovered it and made a choice to accept that my fear is what it is, I have never felt so relieved.
Because I'm not unaware, and I can anticipate the worst but more importantly- I know what it is that scares me.

Once the monster has been discovered under the bed, we can fight the ones that are in our head.

Impact

“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”

I think it's important to see that without our struggles, we wouldn't be who we are now. It's essential to understand and vision our failures as temporary moments, and those too...will eventually pass.

I think that by looking at our misery, seeing the times we have fallen and classifying them as distractions, or labelling them as mistakes- we punish a part of ourselves.

No matter what we have been through, no matter what hurdles we couldn't jump over, eventually we have found a way around them. 

I think it is imperative to realise that we can't do wrong. We have not let down a part of anything in this world. Everything that has made us sad, anything we have done that has forced pain into our lives, has been a vital progression in our lives.

Without defeat, we can not achieve greatness, for success would never be realised.

We have to realise that it was because of someone or something that made us sad, has now made us realise what it is like to be happy.

Our happiness has derived from difficulties and struggles. Without a burden to reflect on, we would fail to see the greatness that surrounds us. 

I think it is important to see that we, as ourselves, impact everyone and everything around us. Where we walk, what we say and how we act causes ripples in a pond that is far larger than what we assume.

Where we cause pain, we also create happiness. It may not be immediate and it may be sudden, but where we are, we all can create.

Never be sorry for existing. Never beat yourself up for your mistakes. I think it's a part of being. Learning right from wrong, moving on from our past and fraying from our guidelines.

I think it's imperative to colour outside the lines, and blur the edges. Think in colour, act abstractly. Nothing should ever be grey, you should never bully yourself for things that are entirely out of your control.

People are so afraid of hurting, people are so scared of other people that they forget to live for themselves. 

Everyone is living their own journey, yet so many people want to live through other people that they lose who they are in the process.

People confuse what it means to smile and people forget that not everything needs a reason or deserves a purpose. 

To think that we see our lives as burdens and not blessings, that it takes a life threatening situation to bring us back home. 

It takes great risks and enormous power to live without stress or pain. But who wants to live a life like that anyway?

It takes great courage and pride to realise that you don't need money, you don't need materials, power or popularity to live happily.

To live as who we are, indefinitely, without struggle, is to live with a free mind. Open to failure, defeat and misery. To welcome in pain, mistakes and stress.

We cannot expect to carry burdens on our shoulders, and at the same time, expect to fly like a bird.

Without fear, we do not have motivation and without motivation we would never eventuate to anything. 

We can not walk with anchors on our ankles and expect to feel free.

We have to acknowledge that because it is in great sadness, that we discover our own happiness.

We have to see and believe that it is because of the time we have cried, that we can no recognise the moments in where we smile. 

We now can see that as ourselves, we always make a difference. We are always important. 

It is in our own control and self-belief, that we unlock pure greatness and our impact and difference we make in this life, is entirely up to us. 

Affordable Outfit #3

BLACK 

ITEMS:

Salvation Army Turtle Neck Dress $15

Rubi Slip Shoes $10

(Grapes and Book not included)

Total: $25

Affordable Outfit #2

WINTER ESSENTIALS

ITEMS:

Salvation Army Turtle Neck $10

Target Jeans $20

Big W Boot Heels $25

Lifeline Op Shop Cashmere Scarf $10

Total: $65

Affordable Outfit #1

 GYM ESSENTIALS 

ITEMS:

Factory Striped T-shirt $10

Supre Black Leggings $10

Rubi Casual Slip Shoes $10

Cotton On Body Drink Bottle $5

Total: $35 

Ordinary

“Sometimes ordinary can be absolutely beautiful.”

Through fragments of thought and pauses in the day, there are the unsettling moments of confusion, neglect, failure and fear. 

The moments of reflection, anticipation and defeat- all these feelings, these moments, they scare you back to nature- they scare you back to reality.

What is our own reality?

Sometimes i like to think that I am exactly where i should be. In the arms of a loved one, studying a degree i believe is suitable for me, working a job which pays me the value of my estimated worth. Sometimes I fall asleep at night- questioning why it is i want these things, why is it that i do these things. Am i really living? Is this the life i want?

As soon as i get into this mid frame- i have the impulse to change. 

To quit my job, to change degrees, to relocate, to begin all over again. 

Life is all about progression. Life is all about change. The changes in your life affect every waking moment in your life and sooner or later those changes won't be easily made. 

I always wanted to be different. To be successful and loved by doing things out of the ordinary. I wanted to life beautifully and humbly and without narrow minds. 

But my life has changed, my life is changing, and no matter what i do, my life will always change. 

From changing the colour of my hair, to changing my job- satisfaction will not be found until stability is ensured. 

I want to find the stability in my career, in my lifestyle, in my ambitions and achievements. 

I feel like whilst at university and during part time work- my life is in 'development' or my future is 'pending'.

And like the impatient person I am, I get frustrated that what I want, isn't happening. It isn't here and I haven't achieved anything.

This impatience develops into regret, disappointment and sometimes eventuates into defeat. It disables my dedication, motivation and inspiration and makes me wonder what the effort is worth. 

What creation of mine will strive to achieve greatness. When will i become recognised for beauty or art, when will me work or thoughts be seen as different.

Ordinarily, I am no different to the person next to me. My silent nature and shy physique will  never guarantee success or promise a bright future. 

But it lies within my thoughts and my actions. My entire lifestyle and 'pending' future depends on my production as a person.

As it does you. 

Sometimes we have to recognise that ordinary is great and that our ordinary selves are destined for great things. It is only within time- that our ordinary lives will provide great and beautiful lives for us all. 

Our creative, ordinary and simple lives will be sculpted into exactly what we want them to be. It may not be the same lifestyle of life as the person next to us, but thats what makes ordinary beautiful.

So instead of beating myself down, or dismissing imperfection and labelling failure as permanent- I am changing my perspective on life, and so should you. 

Ordinary is great and ordinary is opportunity.

With time there is chance and with chance there will be progress. 

So for all us ordinaries, have hope in yourself and put your promises in yourself that you will eventuate to whatever you want out of your life. Now is not ever and nothing remains permanent unless you make it that way.