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Sunday, 4 January 2015

Eclipse

"There is not one person on this earth that isn't cripplingly sad over something. Remember that next time you go to open your mouth."



First contact

He was so beautiful. 
There was something about the child in him that made you want to giggle and jump and throw your fists on the carpet like you did when you were nine.
The way he snuck his hand into your lap under the table made you choke on your fork and the way his fingers trace the lower of your spine made goosebumps become desirable.
As your parent's records came on the sound system in your living room, he picked you up from the fort of pillows you were drowning in and spun you around the coffee table.
It was the first time you felt like this was real. 



His hand guided your waist and the two of you stumbled around the dining table and although it was only one of the first few nights you had spent together, you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.
It was when he slept which made you tremble.
The way his body surrounded yours without notion. He embraced you at your weakest point in the night and just before you could become worried about the future or falling head over heels or remembering your past, his arms snuck under your arms and around your waist and pulled you in.
For just another night you forgot about a life without him and became a part of him.



Second Contact

He was so comfortable.
Comfortable made you nervous. 
Comfortable was what broke you before and you couldn't help but think that it would happen again.
He started to become home and when he becomes home it becomes too hard to walk away from.
He teased you, fired you up, made you cry but he loved you.
The warmth he had within him started fires within you and the two of you were like wildfire.
He burnt down everything that haunted you from your past and together he made a new you.
You were proud of who you were when you were with him, and he made you feel like the world was weightless.



He was everything that you thought he wasn't and this was either very dangerous or he was about to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
You had seen love, you had once felt love, but a love like this was everything compared to nothing and his hand entwined with yours was every example of that.
His smile brought out the good in you and even when you were angry at him, when you heard the laughter that echoed from his stomach, you couldn't help but run your hand through the hair on the back of his head and melt onto his shoulder.
He was what you thought of every morning when you saw the glow of the sun over the breaking waves and he was what sent you to sleep feeling safe and secure.
A life without him in it became almost unseeable and although this is what love was meant to be like, you couldn't help but feel the danger that lurked behind the bliss.



Totality

This was everything.
He was everything.
Your own personal eclipse. He came into your life silently, unexpectedly and now he is the one that stands before you, blocking you out from everything that once used to scare you in this world. 
With him, everything became reasonable, everything became possible, with him you became powerful and beautiful. Everything he said he saw in you, you felt and you became the glow around the moon when the sun blocked it from view. 
There was a magic, something that clicked. It hadn't been long and life with him seem protected, but the way you two belonged together made love seem easy and the way two people became one without risk or fear gave love another meaning.
People asked what it felt like, how did you do it, how were you so lucky to find each other.
It wasn't simple and it never was easy to define what it was that was lit between the two of you, but people laughed and smiled and a love that danced within you two gave hope to others.



For once you were finally happy.
Your bridges had been burnt, your walls were tall and for a while there you were becoming lost in a world that terrified you.
Uncertainty, lack of faith and pain spread over you like a rash and then you met him.
You fell for every fibre of his being and the love you had for him could of saved lives. You had never possessed the kind of love you now had and it was only now that you realised why people die for love. It was this kind of love which made homes and families and it was this kind of love which either made or destroyed people.
Third Contact

It was your gut.
A premeditated pain didn't prepare you for what was to come.
Nights of missed phone calls and empty pillows. Colder bed sheets and empty arms made you realise that there was a part of you you were about to lose.
It was too soon.
You gave up everything for a love like this and there was nothing else in this world which could have felt as bad as this did.
It wasn't final and there was no discussion of dismissal. But in the bottom of your heart, the look in his eye and the kiss he gave you before he said goodbye, didn't sting your lips or make you feel weightless. 



Instead he tied ropes to your feet and through you amongst the waves.
There was something about being with someone, that you know no longer wants to be with you, that destroys more than confirmation.
The weeks before were worse than the weeks after.
It was knowing but not yet feeling. It was watching the storm clouds roll in anticipating how heavy the rain might be but forgetting that with rain, comes lighting and thunder. 



Fourth Contact

He was a storm that lit up your night for months.
Your world was never quite the same.
It was the darkness of the emptiness he left behind that got you on your knees.
During the days you were fine. Occupied, smiling, breathing, being, it was everything and anything you could have managed. But it was the nights which crept up on you and made you remember what it felt like before he was around.
Life seemed darker than before and it did't matter how many lights were on, how many people you were around or how much you drank or ate, life was dark. 
It was darker which made you remember. A life with darkness made you forget what it was like when it was brighter and it made you bitter.
You became angry because you felt a victim of robbery and a love that was stolen from you was worth more than he deserved.



To you he was everything, he was absolute. Because with a love like yours he was invincible. He took it from you but you didn't hate the idea of it either.
It made you lonely and cold, and the days which the sun shined a little bit lighter on, and life became warmer, you were still reminded of him.
The days became longer and you wondered if there would ever come a day where his face wouldn't make you fall to the floor, with your face in your hands.
You stared at ceilings and empty doorways remembering a life which used to carry no burden. Now you were the burden and you considered a life without you in it.



But after days of sweat, tears, smiles and sighs you remembered that even though you missed him, even though you missed a life that you once led, that it didn't mean that it should be the end.
Sometimes you just have to keep hurting, sometimes you have to keep missing them, until one day you wake up one morning and realise that you don't anymore.




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