Search Unorthodox Youth

Wednesday, 3 December 2014



His jacket was heavy, smelt of old coffee grind and cheap cigarettes. The pockets were too far down to put my hands in, so i reached out for his. His nails were long, and it weirded me out, but when i met his eyes they became beautiful. Flaws in him, were thorns among roses. They were apart of something so magnificent, that the air in my lungs became water, and soon i was drowning. 
Sure, we weren't 100% compatible. He was arrogant and stubborn and gorgeous. He hated holding hands and kissing and doing anything which resembled compassion. I, on the other hand, would of parted the ocean to reach for his touch and I loved being or doing anything which made me apart of something else in this world. We were in fact, complete opposites. 
But here we were, just the two of us. Not sure really, if it was by choice, or fate, or some sort of zodiac aligning, but we were here, together. It could of been anyone but him, and it could of been anybody else but me, but when i look at him and see everything in him, that i used to think i didn't need in life- i realised that sometimes love is uncanny, and sometimes your heart realises it's love before your head does.


When the days are dark and the sun hides for a while, i used to believe this was when people would fall. These were the days where people would lie on each other's chest, and hear their hearts beating and instantly they would know, that there isn't anywhere else in the world they would rather be. My world became a little bit smaller every day. My world caught the bus at six a.m to work every morning and my world would also take all the blankets in the middle of the night. My world smiled when my jokes were funny, but also smiled when they weren't. I don't know if he knew it or not, but he spun on his own pedestal in my universe and had his own gravity. I was drawn towards him when the sun rose and i danced around his core when the sun set. 
Life was so full, and and even when he wasn't around, everything balanced. It was incredible, how i grew. How i was so afraid of the unknown, yet it was the unknown that held the better parts of me. His arms were strong and i would call them home. The way his hand was too big for my own, still made us fit together like puzzle pieces. Even when he hugged me and what felt like a thousand bones breaking, i knew that i was not broken, but he was putting me back together. I admired him for taking on a project that had already been damaged. I wasn't beacons of light that shone through the cracks in his door and i wasn't a flower that drank the day and held my head tall. When we met i was weak, and he made me stronger. 
Lets just say that i had been drugged, for a very long time, and suddenly i became sober.
Life wasn't dark without him, but when i look back on a time without him around, life seems faded and now it was saturated.


Have you ever been asked to describe how you feel. Describing what it was like to love him was like trying to remember a dream. Trying to put words to something that is so beyond literature and intelligence itself. I tried to think how i could describe him in a way that made sense, that could make people understand. But then i realised that understanding love isn't about numbers and words and months or dates. It was about the way my heart stopped beating when he was near and even when it felt like i could die every time he held me, i thought what a wonderful way to die that would be.
I never asked him whether he loved me or not, and i never asked him how he felt about me. I didn't want to know. In a way, i might of been scared that our love wouldn't be the same, and i thought it would be foolish of me to deny myself loving him, just because he didn't see love the way i did. 
So i loved him everyday.
I find it displeasing to deny one self the serenity of love. The calm, but yet exquisite way how it can change your whole view of yourself, of life and time. So, instead of asking him how he felt about me, i closed my eyes and believed that it didn't matter whether he told me or not, my love for him, which was already so deep, would be too hard to climb out of.

I knew she felt about me like kids did about their first teddy bear. Protective, compassionate, attentive, adoring- everything that someone could ask for. Although sometimes i was concerned that she wasn't living her life because her life revolved around me and what i did, i knew that she shouldn't ever have to worry. I loved her. 
Like the way the waves kiss the shore over and over again, i would always return to her. She was mine, and whether or not she knew that, i didn't know. Because over time, she would realise that i wouldn't go anywhere without her hand in it, and that her name would be the only words on my lips. Over time, she will eventually realise that a life without her in it, was a life i no longer wanted to be apart of. Over time, without words, without questions, she will soon see that although she never asked me how i felt, or even if we never talk about love- the way that her eyes spark a fire in mine, will continue to burn.

I loved her, i still love her. And i don't know if her love for me, will amount to the love i hold for her, but what i do know, is that at the end of each day when she is lying on my chest and pieces of her hair get caught around my tongue, that there is no other way i could see myself.
I grew a lot when i met her. I realised that we weren't kids anymore and that one day, i wont want to see a day without her in it. I realised that money was just paper and that drinking and drugs and everything that i once used to love doing became inferior compared to her. 
I didn't need anything else but her. I hope she knows that. 
But just as we are complete opposites, she is my positive to my negative and i am the white to her black. Like the sun and the moon, we will always rotate around each other and the stars will stand there laughing about how foolish we are to never admit our love to each other.
But, its just the way we are. 
The mystery is the romance, and it is not denying but requesting to expect each other to feel the same way.
We accept and we know of what sum we love each other, but we came to an agreement about never discussing love. Because discussing love in our eyes, is like cheating. It becomes a benchmark and every day, and every minute you are caught constantly comparing each others love to one another. Love isn't about being discussed or established, love is about feeling and living.
And i live in her, as i believe she will always live within me.
Is it good enough? Is it worth it?
We will never know.
But what i do know is... that i love her to my full potential, the maximum capacity and even more. 
And the rest is unknown.

Because i once heard her say
"i was once so afraid of the unknown, yet it was the unknown that held the better parts of me". 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Blogger Templates by pipdig