Search Unorthodox Youth

Wednesday, 3 December 2014


The following content is of fiction. What has been written is for pure entertainment and literacy purposes only. 

Everyone always says 'if only i could turn back time'. Like rewinding our history and trying to prevent our actions would magically heal our open wounds.
People refer to past mistakes as regrets and the only excuse that comes to their mind is 'if i could live it over again, there would be so many things i would do differently'.

I don't enjoy the pain. Remembering what it was like to have you around. I don't like seeing your eyes when i close mine and i hate being reminded of you every time i bury my face into my pillows.
I hate the way you left, like you were insignificant to people, to me. I hate the way you were so selfish in thinking that life was unbearable for you, but you never thought about how taking yourself away would make mine meaningless.

I always heard of people doing it. For reasons unknown. Mainly pain and low self esteems, others who weren't in a stable frame of mind. But you? You were so lucky. You were loved.

I don't know what more i could of done to make you feel whole. I gave you pieces of me, to fill the gaps in you. You took more of me with you, more of me that i could afford to give away. Metaphorically speaking, you took advantage of that, and now i am left with empty spaces which cannot be filled unless you were to return. Sure, someone may come along and try to repair the broken parts of me, but once a record is scratched, it will never sound the same again.

I can't imagine what sort of anguish you were in, or how much pain you tried to carry. All i know is that it became too much of a burden for you.

What hurts the most is that i will never know. I will never be able to discover what it would of been like if i could of saved you. I don't know what i would of said if i ran into the room before you kicked over that chair. Maybe you would of realised that by the tears down my cheek and the fear in my eyes, that you meant more to me than you had ever known.

There are indefinite moments where i do wish i could turn back the clock or relive a time where your hands were still in mine. However, i have also been forced to accept that this is also what you wanted. That your life, although was absolute to me, was nothing to you. That for whatever reason it was, you felt an undying want to rid yourself from not only my life, but of everyone else's. Your presence was anything but ordinary, but you failed to see the brightness in you that lit up my life.

I keep ringing your phone, listening to your voicemail. Like hearing your voice will some how bring you back. I look at your facebook page everyday, like there'll be a new status or photo and every burning inch of my body will heal.

I sat at the end of the cliff. The one where we both said 'i love you'. Its weird without you here, knowing that you didn't leave because of fate, but because you left by choice. It's something that you thought was going to be better for you, but you forgot about who you were leaving behind and how heavy it would weigh upon our shoulders. The waves were crashing, and all i could think of was, was my body washing up against the shore. About how falling from such a great height, couldn't hurt as much as it does, sitting up here without you.

A life without you is something that i could never of imagined, and now i am torn between living a life without you, and not living at all.

It is the hardest thing, weighing up my own life only because you were greedy with yours. It is so unfair that you were able to let go so easily, and you have left me with this dry taste in my mouth that not even water can hydrate.

My nail beds bleed from long nights of missing you, and my stomach is tangled with trying to imagine what your last thoughts were.

Why didn't you write a letter? Out of all the things you could of done, you could of at least written something. Some sort of excuse, or reason. Anything but nothing.

Because all i know is, that i wandered around your room when they were placing you in that bag, and all i saw were things that were worthless. Pieces of you left scattered on the floor, pieces of you, which didn't reveal anything that could of explained why you left.

Most of all, I hate you for leaving me here. How dare you think that i wanted to be here without you. I despise the idea that you thought i would be able to survive a life without you. I think the cruelest thing about your suicide is that you led me to believe you loved me and then you disappeared without even saying goodbye. Like i wouldn't even notice you would be gone.

How could i not notice?
There is this massive gash right across the left of my chest and it doesn't stop bleeding. Slowly it will heal over time, its just fact, but when i am older, i will have this scar that will do anything but fade.

People will ask me where i got it from and all that i will say is,
I once had a heart,but someone needed it more than i did.

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