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Wednesday, 3 December 2014


There are so many photos.
Ones that hold memories that i didn't even know i had.

Memories of someone who i tried to change.
Photos of him.
Especially photos of him.

Images that bring joy but contain sadness.

I stared at a photo of him.
 I was smiling, but it didn't bring joy.
However, it no longer brought pain.

I was waiting
Waiting to feel that sharp pain when i missed you.
Instead i caught myself trying to remember if i knew you.

I saw a girl who loved.
I looked upon someone who i wasn't anymore.

Photos with him.
Photos of me.
Memories that i would always remember.
Moments that i was forced to let slip away.

I saw a photo of us.
I tried to feel what i felt at that moment.
I couldn't feel anything.

I will never bring myself to delete the photos.
Erase the memories of someone who was apart of me.
I will never remove the image of you.

I didn't know how or when 
i was going to forget what it was like to know you.

I remember that it was love of some kind.
I no longer miss it.
I cant even remember what it felt like.
I didn't notice that i stopped missing it.

Obviously i was happy.
I assume it was what my life revolved around.
Naturally i want to feel it again.
However i will never know what it feels like
 until it happens again.

I don't know the signs.
I cant imagine the emotions.
I cant remember how bright the days were,
 when you were around. 
Although I have also forgotten how dark you made the nights,
 when you were gone. 

Isn't it funny.
How photos are the only thing that keep a memory in tact.
They don't contain emotions or time.
They hold colour, shape and lines.
They hold a piece of memory.
But they leave out everything that made that moment worthy,
 of having its picture taken.

I know i used to feel pain.
I remember crying, suffering and the silence.

I cant remember why.
I didn't notice when it stopped.

It disappeared.
Just like the moments do after the photo is taken.

No one takes photos of sad moments.
Or of miserable people.

Everyone only wants to remember the good.
But the joyous times and the happy people,
they are what everyone forgets.

What made us cry.
What made us scream.
What made us lose sleep.

Everyone remembers those moments.
They don't need a photo to remind them of what it felt like.
The pain and the hurt took care of that.

So when i try to remember you.
I cant look at a photo.
It wont trigger anything.

I cant look at a photo of us and remember
how you made me feel.
It wont send shivers down my spine remembering 
how we kissed or what it felt like when you held my hand.

When i try to remember you.
Ill remember our last phone call.
The nights i lost sleep over you.

Ill think back to when i cried.
When i curled up with an empty stomach.
When i sat out in the cold thinking,
 that a thousand broken bones,
couldn't be as painful as this.

When i try to think back to what it was like to be loved.
What it felt like to be with you?

Ill remember that the photos don't show what was worthy.
The pain and the suffering of letting you go,
was what showed me you were worth something.

The tears and the anguish,
were the real definition of the photographs.

And now?

All that i'm left with,
 is knowing that everyday of hurt,
every day that made my body ache,
every day i spent letting you go,

are the days that kept me from forgetting you entirely.


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